The Blessed

In the spirit of charity and seasonal correctness, the following homage is offered in gratitude to the teeming masses who end up at this pathetic site.

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Blessed are the mouldy, loser, basement-dwellers for their work in absorbing spores and moisture. But mostly because somebody’s got to help the people upstairs, who know not what they do.

Blessed are all the Boomers, for their efforts in becoming helicopter parents, delaying their offspring’s maturity, and telling their kids to buy houses about the exact time they’ve decided to sell. There’s a special place in irony awaiting you.

Blessed are the renters, who pee their money away each month rather than live in bank bondage. That it takes courage these days to know the price of freedom and mobility is a lesson for all.

Blessed are the Kia owners, who like people buying trash condos outside Miami just because they’re cheap, or go to Costco, believe frugality is a virtue. Actually, it sucks.

Blessed, of course, are the metalheads and doomers, the nihilists and godified right-winger nutbars who descend on this site like crazed dung beetles every time I mention gold or say don’t bet against America. Shaming them has given me no comfort. Alas.

Blessed is Vancouver, that shining city in a ditch where house porn became an art form, went mainstreet and perverted an entire people. With more debt-per-capita, negative savings and downward momentum than any city on the continent, Van makes everyone else feel superior. And it snowed last week. Fail.

Blessed is CREA, all the real estate cartels, their horny chief economists and cute little Frankenumbers, as well as Re/Max and LePage. Without you we would not understand the power of misinformation, doctored stats, misleading media releases or faux reports. Rest assured you changed the lives of countless people who listened, and may even forgive.

Blessed is Global TV, and the rest of the MSM. Without the systematic emasculation and gutting of your news staff, reporters could never have become repeaters. After all, who needs critical thought when the object of life is getting better stuff? For news, there’s always HGTV. Or Diva.

Blessed are the virgins, for they have inherited the amortizations. Banks bow to you.

Blessed is F, plus Sir Mark. Together they took a healthy housing correction in 2009 and turned it into a bloated gasbag proving Canada’s different. With cheap money and zero downs they made real estate an entitlement, goosing prices and turning savings into debt. There’s no longer a need to make fun of idiot American leaders. We rock.

Blessed are the rest of us, the perfect ones. We thank God she gave us this blog.